Breaking the Cycle of Family Trauma
No, this isn’t about casting blame on anyone; it’s about acknowledging my traumatic experiences and putting forth my best effort to break the dreaded cycle.
After a few encounters, I began to wonder, “Why am I always attracting abusive people?” Then it became a cycle and I went, “What is wrong with me? Why does it keep happening to me?”.
What truly kept me going toward healing and breaking free from this cycle was the thought that… “I don’t want any of these to happen to my daughter.”
Family trauma can be incredibly damaging and difficult to break free from, but it is possible. In this chapter of the #LifeOfShin series, I will talk about [some of] my never-before-written family traumas, their effects, and what I’ve been doing to break the cycle.
Why am I always attracting [emotionally] abusive people?
I can’t remember how many times I’ve asked myself this question and how it didn’t make sense each time. Until I asked Guia (my second therapist) the same question, and she responded with even more provoking questions I couldn’t bring myself to answer right there and then.
“Did it feel familiar?” was one of the first few questions she asked. Of course, I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. And, like, what the heck kind of question is that, right? Then she expounded the question by asking more questions that triggered a lot of unpleasantries. I was furious. Well, in-denial would be the more appropriate term.
She later explained that we [sometimes] become products of circumstances and what we learned from the people around us growing up, no matter how much we hated it or them. We are more prone to accept abusive behaviors if we were raised in a harsh or violent environment or where there was a lot of disrespect. And so, I was likely following the same pattern that I was introduced to when I was young — subconsciously.
So…
Since I grew up in an abusive dynamic, being around mean people was a “familiar” environment. Unconsciously, I end up seeking out these destructive people because it’s the kind of behavior I’m used to, and that strangely feels comforting and normal.
Later on, I learned that I tend to drive away nice people who genuinely care about me because what they offer feels weirdly foreign to me — as if it’s outside of my comfort zone. Yep, that’s got to be one of my biggest aha moments.
What is wrong with me? Why does it keep happening to me?
Did I like it? I thought I did. I felt I allowed people to abuse me in all sorts of ways because I wanted and allowed it. Maybe I craved the drama, or perhaps I deserved it.
Of course, not.
We’ve all been there. That sudden sinking sensation in the pit of our stomach when we realize we’ve been had again, and again, and again. But no, I didn’t like it. Now that I thought about all of it, I never allowed and I don’t deserve any of it. Some people around me, growing up, wronged me. The abuse kept happening because it was my “normal.” I thought being in survival mode was how life is supposed to be. It turns out life is so much more than that. Life is so beautiful, and I just got sucked into a hell hole where I couldn’t see the bigger picture.
I don’t want any of these to happen to my daughter.
I had a dark, ugly childhood. It was a nightmare that I didn’t want my daughter, or anyone, to ever experience. “These” meant so much more than emotional and physical abuse. And for almost two decades, I had thought I did a great job at putting all those monsters behind me.
I had a relapse and turned to Guia, again. During our online meetings, she would repeatedly request that we have at least one conversation with an immediate family member who would most likely support me. I have always refused, and she would always tell me that my family may be more supportive than I know, but I really just had concerns beyond that. I didn’t want to burden any of them with what I’m going through. They, too, have been through enough just trying to live in this cruel world already.
What did I do instead?
I talked to dead family members like I always do — I visit their grave, light a candle, and talk. I liked talking to them because they couldn’t respond or judge me or give me “that look” even if they wanted to. For the longest time, my support system consisted of dead people.
The last time Guia and I spoke, she talked me into opening up with [living] family members whom I trust. Just like Maria, she insisted that I need support — people I can feel safe with, where both healthy communication and empathy exist. And this time, I finally caved in.
Evidently, they were both right. Once I started opening up and letting myself be vulnerable again (with the right people this time), it felt liberating.
What have I been doing to break the cycle?
I wish it were as easy as just wanting to quit cigarette smoking and actually quitting right when I decided I would. Of course, it wasn’t that easy. It will be discouraging and challenging. However, as I said, I know for sure that it is possible — huge thanks to both Maria and Guia.
The first step I took was acknowledging the traumatic experiences. I found that it’s extremely triggering, but this is a crucial step. I never would’ve gotten this far if I didn’t fully accept all of it.
And then finding the courage to be more open to conversations with family members I trust. I didn’t really understand the significance of having a support system until I had it. I now appreciate my family more than ever. My sister’s role in this journey is paramount, and I can never thank her enough for putting up with me and staying by my side for as long as possible.
My “family” (you guys know who you are) made me feel that I deserve love and respect more than I thought I did, so I started by giving those to myself more. I learned that love is a form of energy; the more I grow it, the more I will attract it. I didn’t worry about being selfish because I understood that the more I love myself, the more I am able to love others.
I have also accepted the reality that I somehow became the people I hated so much. And so, I am working very hard to break the cycle of some destructive behaviors I learned from them.
Finally, I always remind myself of the things I didn’t want to pass on to my daughter. Things I am working so hard to unlearn so that she doesn’t inherit them from me. I constantly tell myself that I’m pushing to be a better person every day so that I can become someone my daughter proudly looks up to. So that she will have a positive and meaningful representation growing up — something I didn’t have as a kid.
Let’s keep checking on ourselves. It doesn’t hurt too much to stop blaming others, quit being the victim all the time, and be accountable for once. Breaking the cycle obviously has to start within ourselves, which would mean breaking those nasty habits we dragged into adulthood. Sometimes, we actually become that mean, awful person we’re trying to get rid of, but that doesn’t have to stay that way. Mistakes are great opportunities to keep ourselves in check. Accept them, learn from them, move on and keep on growing.
xoxo,
***REPUBLISHED*** Originally published on Medium, March 4, 2022.